Closet Listening

I found Closet Listening be one of the easiest and yet most difficult tools to use. Easy, because all you really need to do is sit with your child and not say anything. I found this difficult, because it’s not my personality to just sit and not initiate the conversation. In fact, even with my own children, I feel uncomfortable with silence. When I sat with them quietly—it felt almost like I was ignoring them. Greyson 6-years old even asked me, “What’s wrong?” I responded by saying, “I just want to sit by you and be with you.” That was even strange for him.

We ended up putting a puzzle together. I made a conscious effort to not initiate any conversation and just waited to see what would come up. This is when I discovered how difficult it is to listen without judging, defending, or explaining.

He asked me if we could go to the store to buy some more toys. He went on, and on about how he didn’t have enough toys, and we definitely needed to buy at least a new puzzle.

Rather than feeling annoyed and irritated that our conversation, yet again, was about what he wanted or wanted to buy, I just nodded my head and made a few loving gestures like rubbing his hair and giving him a wink. To my surprise, by not engaging, I stopped feeling irritated and annoyed. Of course, it’s not like him to give up that easily. I simply redirected him with our puzzle. When he still didn’t drop it—I told him that he should continue to save his allowance and we’ll go in the future.

The easiest and most meaningful conversations happened through closet listening when we were driving. I picked Greyson up from school, turned off the radio. Instead of saying, “How was your day?” I said, “I missed you today” and then waited to see where the conversation went from there. It was definitely a challenge to give advice or my opinion about all the different things that happened. For example, Greyson shared that his friends let him play kickball and four square, but never gave him a turn. As a parent—you can only imagine what it was like to NOT give my opinion or theory about what I thought happened.  Instead, I incorporated other tool cards of validating his feelings followed by curiosity questions. I then reminded him that I had faith in him to work it out with his friends.

I believe that a common mistake that parents make (like me) is giving too much advice, or trying to protect their children from pain and suffering—all in the name of love. What I’m trying to practice is just being there for my boys. I want to show them unconditional love and support by listening; followed by true faith that they will survive, thrive, learn and grown strong from ALL of their life experiences; and that it’s NOT my job to protect them from feeling sad or disappointed.

Decide What You Will Do

Decide what you will do and—follow through! The most important part of this tool is the follow through. Children know when you mean it and when you don’t.

After all, isn’t that their job is to test you and their limits? Of course it is! This is why it is so important to only make promises (not threats) that you’re willing to keep.

I think we’ve all learned the hard way at least once. For example, you are so mad in the moment—in the flipped lid state—and you’re feeling desperate and totally defeated. Therefore, in the heat of the moment you make a threat you’re never going to follow through on and your child continues to do what they’re doing—probably because they know you’re not going to follow through.  Listed are some of my personal favorites:

• Turn the TV off NOW or you won’t watch it for an entire week.
• You and your brother better stop fighting in this car, or I’m going to turn around and we’ll go home.
• If you don’t start sharing, and being kind to your fiends—then we’re going to leave our play-date.
• If you don’t brush your teeth right now—then you can forget about any sweets ever again.
• If you don’t change your attitude—then you can forget about going to the_________!
• If you can’t take better care of your bike, baseball glove, toys etc., then I’ll take them away from you and you won’t be able to use them.
• If you don’t stop asking me for everything in the store and start behaving—then we’re leaving this.

Of course my oldest son had to test me—and I was just as sad as he was when I needed to follow through. We had “taken time for training” (another tool card) and I had explained to him that we were going to our friends house for a play-date and I went over the rules, e.g., no hitting, sharing, taking turns, using nice words etc. I then went on to explain that if we didn’t follow these rules, we would need to leave. Naturally, it was with one of my good friends and I wanted to be at the play-date as much as my son. Needless to say they also lived 45-minutes away.

Sure enough, less than an hour after being there—he hit his friend and called him a name. (I want to note that the play-date before this one, I had done plenty of redirecting, connecting before correcting, validating feelings as well as the many other tools my son was accustomed to.)

Sometimes, using the kind and firm tool of follow through is the most effective. I wasn’t trying to make him “pay” for his behavior but was simply tired of having each play-date so consumed with using so many other tools. Deep down I knew it would be a painful lesson for both of us as well as a lot of gas and time wasted. (He cried himself to sleep on the way home.)

It wasn’t a total waste, because he never forgot it, knew that I meant it, and honestly, I feel like I forever earned his trust of knowing that when I said it, I meant it, and I followed through.

Unfortunately, your children are going to test you— and believe me it will be at the most inconvenient time. But just think of the valuable lesson you’ll be teaching and the reputation you’ll be earning.  I’m sure I’m not the only one who has heard THAT Mother saying, “I’m not going to tell you again”, and then says, “This is the last time I’m going to tell you.” Then their kid just continues to ignore her and do whatever it is they were doing.
 

I’ll always remember my mom saying, “The tongue in the shoe speaks louder than the tongue in the mouth.” In other words, if you say it, mean it, and if you mean it, follow through.

I promise you that it will only take a few times of inconvenience usually accompanied by total humiliation and embarrassment (as their screaming at you telling you that you’re the worst Mother ever and that they hate you). In the end, it ‘s totally worth it!!!!

Distract & Redirect

In the beginning of this week I thought this tool was used mostly with younger children. I used distract and redirect on a daily basis when my boys were toddlers. However, this week I had several opportunities to practice this tool in many different ways with my almost 6-year-old.

Sense-of Humor—Greyson was in a “flipped lid state of mind” and was saying things such as “I hate you,”  “Worst day ever!” or my favorite—“You wish I wasn’t even in this family.” Instead of flipping my lid back or telling him that what he was saying was totally ridiculous and untrue, I distracted him with a little unexpected silliness—tickling him while saying, “You think I don’t love you?” Then would completely overwhelm him with, “I love you’s,” and more playful tickles and kisses. Once he was totally distracted and calm, I was able to use other tools such as validating his feelings and asking some curiosity questions. After this (connection before correction)  we came up with a plan (focus on solutions and take time for training) on what we could say or do next time he was feeling so angry.

Relating—Kids love it when they know you can relate—another way distracting and redirecting. Another one of my favorite comments from Greyson is when he says in his whinny voice, “That’s not fair!” What I want to say in my irrational and annoyed flipped list state is ‘That’s right—it’s not fair and neither is life!” But instead—I would relate to him by sharing a story of when I was his age and experienced something similar that wasn’t fair. Kids love knowing you have felt the same. It’s endearing when they say things such as, “You were once five?” or, “Your brother used to get things or do things you couldn’t do?”

Distraction—If all else fails; you can completely distract your kids by both completely changing the subject and making it about you or something that you did or saw that day. Or by saying with total enthusiasm—“I have a great idea!” Then come up with a completely new idea or game and hope they follow your lead with enthusiasm.  Once again, when everyone is calm and you can then follow up with problem solving and solutions on how we could avoid a major meltdown, saying hurtful things, fighting with brother, etc.

Hugs—Always one of my favorite tools and defiantly one that can be use with almost every Positive Discipline tool. Always a great distraction and way to redirect is to ask your child if he or she would like a hug? If they say “No!” then ask if they’d give you one, because “I need a hug.”

Focus on Solutions—When your children are in the middle of a conflict—simply interrupt by saying, “ I have faith in you to come up with a solution. If they can’t, it is a big distraction to say, “I’ll take this _______ until you all come up with a solution that everyone agrees on.”

Again, a simple reminder that no one tool works every time and that when we are creative we will find many ways to use each tool—and to combine them. Have fun practicing this tool and notice how much a little distraction or redirection helps you as a parent.

Winning Cooperation

Before my husband Mark and I got married we came up with the 3 C’s to a successful marriage. Communication, Compromise, and Compassion. Since becoming parents we’ve agreed that there was a ‘C’ that we were missing—Cooperation. We believe that anytime something is going wrong in our relationship, or with one of our children— one of the 4-C’s is missing.

The Winning Cooperation tool card teaches that children feel encouraged when we as parents understand and respect their point of view. For example, this week I tried winning their cooperation with some of the household chores, while also using some of the other C’s.

My boys love to play baseball! They want to play everyday. I am constantly feeling overwhelmed with laundry, dishes, and picking up the house. Instead of feeling resentful, which then usually turns into anger—I waited for my golden opportunity, knowing they would ask to play baseball. When they asked, I said I would love to as soon as I finish doing my chores around the house. I had already schemed the plan to say, “Why don’t you help me and then we can play?” But instead, my oldest son 6-year-old Greyson said, “We can help you unload the dishwasher and we’ll put away our laundry.” I felt within those few sentences that we had just met all 4 ‘C’s. And everyone was happy.

Before thinking of a way to win their cooperation, I would provide them with a big, long lecture, followed with a guilt trip. Still, they would persuade me to play baseball, and I would feel exhausted and resentful.  In this case, I was able to acknowledge them for being helpful, compassionate, good problem solvers, and patient. It was so much more fun to have them help with the chores and more rewarding for all of us to play baseball after.

Another example of winning cooperation was this week when my boys were feeling mad because they couldn’t have soda. I don’t drink soda myself, because I know how bad it is for me. I wish it wasn’t, because I love it! When Greyson started saying “It’s not fair that you don’t let us have soda. _________ always gets soda.” Why can’t we have it?” Instead of lecturing him and feel annoyed for asking yet again—I expressed understanding (compassion) showed him empathy by sharing how I never had soda when I was a kid, and how I always wanted it too. Then we made a fun game out of it by saying back and forth all the things we wished we’re good for us but that are not.  He would say, “I wish I could have candy for dinner.” I backed him up by saying, “I wish I could have ice-cream for dinner.” He said, “I wish sugar was good for you.” I followed by saying, “I wish that chewing gum and hard candy was good for my teeth” etc.  It was much more fun for both of us to be joking, laughing, and making a game out of it, instead of a lecture, guilt trip, and annoyance.  Winning cooperation is, once again, Win Win for everyone.

Back Talk

I had an “ah ha” moment this week when practicing the Don’t Back Talk Tool Card.  It happened early in the week when, once again, we were rushed to get out the door. I had snapped at my son for doing something that he could’ve waited and done in the car. (He was putting his new Spy Gear together, glasses, watch, and belt). And when I took a disrespectful tone with him—he immediately snapped back at me with the same tone.

The only difference this week was that I was able to recognize it right away. I got down to his level and said, “You just raised your voice at me and spoke disrespectfully because I just raised my voice with you and was disrespectful to you. I’m sorry for not valuing that what you were doing was important to you. I was expecting you to value my sense of urgency for getting out the door on time.

Of course, very logically he agreed.  (Children listen to you after they feel listened to.) I apologized and told him that I was sorry for speaking to him in that tone and that I understood that he was mirroring my tone and me. (Children learn what they live.)

I believe that this is the most important concept to remember as a parent. I apologize if I sound redundant—Your days are not about how your children act or behave but how you as a parent act or behave.

Modeling/example is so important. Children mirror what we do. We cannot expect for our children to control their behavior when we don’t control our own. In other words if you want to know why your children are speaking to you disrespectfully or back talking—then rewind or replay how you just spoke to them. Of course, they could be having a bad day on their own. In that case, it doesn’t help if we snap back.

For the rest of the week I was extra mindful of my tone and getting down to the level of both my boys when I spoke to them. I was then rewarded with a peaceful and respectful week with them. Win win for all of us.

Honestly, keeping a respectful tone was by far more effective then “telling” or by being too “firm” and not practicing “kind and firm” at the same time. Bottom line—the message I was reminded of all week was that you get what you give. It all goes back to one of the Universal messages we learned as children—treat others the way you want to be treated. Classic and true!

Silent Signals

A silent signal is one of the most simple and yet rewarding tools. I started this tool when my oldest son was almost 3-years old. It began when I would get frustrated with him and would raise my voice and get really stern with him.

As most of us know—we always feel horrible and guilty after we’ve raised our voices—knowing that we could’ve handled it better (if only we hadn’t flipped our lids).

I’m always talking about how important it is to model the behavior we expect from our children. Once again—easier said than done. The absolute worst feeling is when I hear my older talking or yelling at his younger brother. It’s ridiculous and embarrassing knowing that he is speaking that way because of how I spoke to him.

After feeling like a horrible Mother, I explained to Greyson that I didn’t want to be a screaming Meany Mommy. I asked him if we could come up with a silent signal to help remind me to take deep breathes and calm down. I went on to share with him that I always wanted to be able to speak to him in the same respectful tone that I expect from him.

Greyson came up with the idea that he would touch his nose to remind me that I needed to calm down and take some deep breaths. I assured him that it was a brilliant signal and then asked him if I could do the same one if and when he wasn’t speaking in a calm tone.

Naturally, it was only a few days later that Greyson had the opportunity to use his silent signal with me; and, of course, it worked like a gem. I immediately stopped to take a few deep breaths, gave him a hug, and then got down to to speak to him at eye level.  All the things I should’ve done originally.

Another silent signal we use in our family is putting our hand over our heart. This signal expresses that we’re having a “flash” which means a surge of love in our heart. These are moments of deep gratitude and appreciation for that person. This is a silent signal that I learned from my childhood and I’m delighted to continue this signal with my family today J

Hugs

This is an article I wrote almost three years ago that shares one of my favorite hugs success stories. Over the last five years I have realized how important and effective giving hugs ALWAYS is.

Most often it is one of my boys that will remind me that all they need is a hug. This story is a reminder that even when we may not be ready--it's a Positive Discipline tool that works every time.

 My two boys (Greyson, three-years-old, and Reid, one-year-old) took one of our late night strolls around the block.  We came upon a neighbor’s house where there were all kinds of kids playing.  Greyson was fascinated by all the different activities going on.  There were kids from all different age groups playing basketball, catch, riding on a scooter etc.  So we stopped for about 5 minutes talking and watching them. 

It started getting dark and cold, Reid started getting fussy, and I started to feel a little awkward just standing in front of this neighbor’s house while Greyson watched the “people.”  When I told Greyson that it was time to go, he was not ready.  He wanted to stay and watch the people.
 

I logically explained to him all the reasons of why we needed to go.  After asking him the second time and him still refusing, I told him that he had a choice.  He could either walk with me or hold my hand, or I would pick him up and carry him away…either way we were leaving. 

Of course he did not want to hold my hand, but his brother was in the Bjorn so I firmly grabbed his had and said it was time to go.  What I wanted to do was drag him like a rag doll; especially because I felt like e was ignoring me and not listening…and I was going to show him who was boss and how annoyed I was.

So as I was firmly holding his hand, he started crying/screaming at the top of his lungs. (Greyson has always had the loudest most ear piercing cry of any other child I or anyone else has ever encountered). Of course one of my neighbors was walking her dog and looking at me as if I just beat him…and from the sound of his cry it sounded like I had.

I was desperately trying to be calm and to ignore his crying and to let him have his feelings, but we were both just getting more upset.  I knew what to do, but did NOT want to do it. However, at the risk of embarrassing myself with the rest of the neighbors, I got down to his level and told him I needed a hug. 

Naturally he immediately fell into my arms—willing and loving to give me a hug back. Instantly we both felt better and the crying stopped. I explained to him that we needed to go and he explained to me that he wanted to watch the people. Then we all walked home together.

The moral of this story is that as much as I knew it would work to give him a hug when we were both feeling upset, I didn’t feel like giving him a hug. I  too was mad for not getting my way. 

Giving a hug in the middle of a temper tantrum, once again is easier said than done. However, after hugging, we both felt better—and behaved better.