Take Time for Training

Isn't it amazing that with almost every task in life we need to be shown what to do? The older we get, the easier an explanation may be; but when it's even a little complex or requires some greater expectation, it's better to see a demonstration or to have a little hand holding (especially in the beginning). Taking time for training may be one of the more important tools, but I often forget that my children are only 3-years and 5-years-old and they need to be taught/trained over and over.

My husband has always disliked it when I remind him that we need to "take time for training." He replies, "Honey, they're not dogs." So I've needed to alter my language by reminding my husband and myself that with almost every task, chore, job, manner, behavior, etc., we need to show, teach, demonstrate, model and of course "train" our children.

My first example for the week was taking the time to train them on how to clean their rooms. So many times, I'll threaten, bribe, make a game out of it, beg, nag and then usually end up cleaning it by myself while I resent them and every toy we've ever given them. I always wish that they could just appreciate a clean room the way I do. I know it's wishful thinking, but have any of you ever noticed that when your kids’ rooms are clean they immediately start to do gymnastics, wrestling, or wanting to have a dance party. The free space always invites them to have movement. And after all, isn't that the best kind of play--especially because there's no clean-up involved.

Early in the week I took the time to go "train" my boys how to clean their rooms. I noticed during this training I was using all kinds of Positive Discipline tools, for example, Asking vs. Telling, Encouragement vs. Praise, Validating Feelings, I Love You And_____, Sense of Humor, just to name a few. In the end, this was the best experience we’ve had cleaning their rooms. I asked them when we were done how it felt to have a clean room as well as reminding them how much I appreciated their help. I also went on to say that I had full faith in them to clean it next time by themselves (I'll be sure to keep my expectations low).

Another example I had this week was taking the time to train them when I'm on the phone. This seems to be one of my most frustrating moments as a Mom. I think I've "trained" my kids with no manners, consideration and respect when it comes to me on the phone because for so many years I wouldn't talk on the phone when they were awake or around. I've never been a phone person anyways so to be on the phone for more than 5 minutes isn't usual. Of course the time came when I had to speak with someone on the phone just recently to set up swim lesssons for them. I knew my kids were being loud and annoying when the lady asked, "would you like to call me back at a better time?" I needed to leave the room to finish our conversation. I immediately realized this was nobody's fault except for my own.

Instead of being upset with them, I was humbled to know that this was my opportunity once again to take time for training about how to be when I'm on the phone. I agreed to be respectful by keeping my conversations short and they agreed to return the respect by staying quiet..."if I kept it short." We then went on to role-play it. The next couple of conversations were quiet and short.

Just as kids need continuous training in academics (reading, writing, math, etc.), I’m sure their training in cleaning and manners will be an ongoing process.

Special Time

Growing up with “Special Time” with both of my parents are some of my fondest memories of my childhood. We would take turns each week and have a “Date Night” with our parents. For example, my Mom and me would do something together while my Brother and Dad would do something together. We called it “Date Night.” Then the next week we would switch. The third week we would have a family date night, and the final week would be just my parents date night.

Many of our date nights didn’t even consist of going out or spending money. A couple of memories were when my Brother and Dad built a fort in the house and when my Mom and I baked cookies. But the fort and the cookies were our ideas that my parents enthusiastically agreed to—another reason why it felt special.

I have continued this tradition with my family and my boys, although we haven’t been as consistent as I’d like to be—especially now. My oldest son and I use to have our special time at least once a month when my youngest son was still in his crib. It was easy for us to put him to bed and then have our date night, even though we weren’t actually going out anywhere. Our date nights usually consisted of a game together, followed by a movie and popcorn in bed.

A key factor in having special time is making sure your child knows in advance that it’s their special time with you and getting them involved in planning that time. My husband and I made a mistake this week. We had special time with each of our boys, and although it was special to us, I don’t think either of the boys really noticed the time apart from their brother or even cared for that matter that they were with just one of us. If they did notice, it wasn’t as big of a deal as it could’ve been had they been more involved in the planning of the day.

We both learned that even a movie and popcorn in bed may not seem that special to us, but to call it our date night, and then to have all the planning and anticipation has made it more special for my son.  When we would plan it ahead of time, he would ask me all week if tonight was Saturday “our date night?”

I’m going to start doing special time the way my family did when I was growing up. Plan it at the Family Meetings. Get a calendar. Pick the days and who they’re with, and then let them decide, where and what you’ll do. I can just imagine how special that will make them feel. I want them to have the special memories that I have.

Routines

Help children create routine charts to encourage self-discipline.

1) Create routine charts WITH your child.
2) Brainstorm tasks that need to be done. (bedtime, morning, homework, etc.)
3) Take pictures of your child doing each task.
4) Let the routine chart be the boss: "What is next on your routine chart?"
5) Do not take away from feelings of capability by adding rewards.

Many people miss the point of this tool card. The operative word is “WITH.” Many of us create routines for our children that make our lives (and theirs) easier, but the point of creating routine charts WITH our kids is to help them feel capable; to teach them skills, and to invite more cooperation because they are empowered by being respectfully involved.

One of my favorite stories about routine charts is the bedtime Routine Chart created with my son, Greyson, who at the time was 3-years-old. I prepared him for a few days simply by discussing it and telling him about it. He got excited when I told him we would go to Michael’s craft store to pick up some items, and then we would take pictures of him doing all the tasks he does before bedtime. He was more than ready when we finally sat down at the table with all our supplies.

First I asked him to tell me about all the things he needed to do before he went to bed. I explained to him that I would write them all down and then he would be able to pick the order that he wanted to do them. Luckily for Dad and I he picked the order that he was used to doing—like bath before pjs and teeth before books.

After we made our list I told him we were going to take pictures of him doing everything. He was so enthusiastic and was happy to pose for a photo doing each task. Then Greyson (with just a little help from me) stabled each photo to the ribbon we had purchased at the craft store. I made a number for each photo (Greyson was just learning his numbers) and he got to stick the numbers on the photos.

He loved running to his chart to check out what to do next. If and when he'd get side tracked, I'd simply say, "Greyson, what's next on your chart?" He would run to the back of his door where it was hung and then run to do the next task.

Bedtimes are peaceful, stress free, and I can now say that I enjoy our bedtime routine!

Compliments

It’s absolutely perfect that compliments was the tool card for this week. I recently reminded my husband how important it is for me to receive compliments from him and to be told how much I’m appreciated.  I know I never get tired of hearing how beautiful or wonderful I am. Or what a great Mother and wife I am. Doesn’t every woman like to hear these sorts of compliments?  When I hear these compliments, I instantly feel better about myself and therefore want to be and do even better. After all, I was raised with Positive Discipline parents that were full of compliments and appreciations. I even had the opportunity to hear them from my brother once a week during our family meetings.

Following are some examples I used this week, which I believe helped our family be more peaceful and cooperative.

One of the things that instantly make me lose my cool and “flip my lid” is when my boys fight. Fortunately, they give me opportunities daily to practice many Positive Discipline tools. This morning they were playing really well together. But, I knew it was only a matter of time before they’d start arguing. So before they did, I complimented them by saying, “Look at how nice you boys are playing together!” “I really appreciate it.”  I went on to say, “Greyson, I love how nicely you are speaking to your brother, and how patient and calm you are being with him.” And to Reid, “I notice how well you’re working with your brother—what great teamwork.”

Another situation that invites me to lose my cool is getting out the door without having to nag them several times. Again this morning, because they were having so much fun playing together and having their morning dance party, I set the timer for 20 minutes. I “asked” them all the things they would need to do to be ready to go before the timer went off. Surprisingly, they named off a few more things than I was thinking—what a bonus! Naturally, they waited until the last 5-minutes before they made a mad dash to beat the buzzer. I was sure to use compliments by stating how “quickly they were cleaning up” and “how fast they were getting dressed.” I then went on to ask if they thought they’d be able to brush their teeth and comb their hair within 3-minutes? When they did—I told them how much I appreciated it and how excited I was for the day we had planned together.

The best thing about compliments is that when you give them to your children, you’re also teaching them how to give them back. Selfishly, just as I had reminded my husband how important it was for me to feel appreciated and to hear compliments—I now get to look forward to my two boys giving me compliments too—yahoo!!

Family Meetings

Family meetings have provided me with some great childhood memories. The most vivid was the family meeting we had before going to Hawaii. We first made a list of all the possible problems and then brainstormed for solutions. For example, whining or complaining during the 2-hour drive to the airport. That was an easy solution. We promised we wouldn’t. Of course, I forgot and started complaining about being thirsty. Mark poked me and said, “Shhh...remember our promise.” I was happy to stop complaining immediately.

We also promised we wouldn’t fight. (That would be a first.) Surprisingly, it was the best trip I have ever had with my brother. Our relationship was more peaceful and loving than it had ever been. We had only one problem on that trip. I don’t even remember what it was, but I do remember sitting on the sand in Waikiki Beach to solve whatever it was.

Another fond member was the way we solved the issue of chores. It seems like we had to come up with a new plan practically every week—from chore charts to chore wheels, to pulling chores out of a jar. My favorite was when we decided that Mom would put four chores on a white board and it was first come first serve to choose the two we wanted to do. We used to race home from school to get first choice. We even learned to bargain with and compromise with each other when the race was so close.

I’m looking forward to providing my children with the opportunity to learn the many skills taught by family meetings, and to many fond memories.

Connection Before Correction

Of all the 52 tool cards--Connection Before Correction is my favorite! This seems to be the tool that I am the most consistent with.  However, I've had to smile and feel guilty at the same time when my son comes to me before I go to him with his arms open wide, ready to give a big hug.  He's even been taught to remind me to take a few deep breaths when I'm upset. I wish I could have seen my face the first time (when he was just 3-years-old) he said "Mommy, calm down and take some deep breaths." He was absolutely right. I was embarrassed and grateful at the same time. Embarrassed because my 3-year-old caught my behavior before I did, and grateful because he actually learned what I had taught him.

We've all had a heated argument with a spouse or sibling. I think I can speak for everyone when saying that it's hard to correct ("fix") the problem when one or the other is still upset. It's usually after we've both calmed down that we're able to say, "It's all my fault"---No, "It's my fault." We then follow by saying "I'm sorry," and the other quickly responds with "I'm sorry too."

I can also speak freely in confessing that when I’m angry or upset, I will say and do things I don't mean. Most of the time I'm ashamed for my behavior and wished that I‘d calmed down first, or just kept my big mouth shut. These same responses and reactions happen as parents too—except more often.  How many times have we reacted to our children when they have pushed our last button? Before we know it, we can't control what comes out of our mouths and we flip our lid and totally lose control. Watch the video below to better understand flipping your lid.



This week I have another story that relates to this tool card. And I hope my husband doesn't think I'm "throwing him under the bus." I share these stories because I feel that many couples will be able to relate. Most couples come from completely different backgrounds. They're each raised with different parenting styles. This usually leads to one parent being more of the "Authoritarian Parent" and the other as the more "Permissive Parent." Right? So, what usually happens is the permissive parent is even more permissive trying to make up for the authoritarian parent and vice versa. As you are learning, Positive Discipline doesn't advocate either style rather that parents be BOTH Kind and Firm. That said...my son Greyson received another Yellow Card in school on Friday, that was followed by the Red Card on Thursday. My husband was so patient and respectful with him on Thursday. He took him into our office and he sat with him and talked to him by asking questions, focusing on solutions and brainstorming ideas together on a plan for school the next day. Everyone felt great. 

Of course all cards were off the table when the next day there was a substitute teacher...sigh.   When Greyson received his yellow card, and my husband received ANOTHER talk from the teacher—well let's just say he wasn't as cool as he was the day before. He felt like "everything he had said went in one ear and out the other." I think he felt discouraged, and that being respectful and calm wasn't working. He was getting to the point of "flipping his lid" when I had suggested that he calm down and let me talk to Greyson. His interpretation of that request was that I was "rescuing, coddling, and babying him." My interpretation was that I was "Connecting Before Correcting."

It was obvious that they were both upset, so I knew that this was not the time to resolve conflict or to problem solve. My husband thought that I wasn't being supportive of him, yet it was the exact opposite.

After my son had calmed down I was able to relay this message in a calm, kind and respectful tone. I was absolutely supporting him, just not in the way that he wanted me to. I explained to my husband that when a baby learns to talk, they don't start speaking in sentences right away, not even in a few weeks or months for that matter. It sometimes takes years, before they are speaking in sentences, with words we can understand. This analogy also applies to learning life skills and the lessons we're teaching every time we have the opportunity. Most of these opportunities are brought to us with challenges.  Just as my son was able to remind me to take deep breaths to calm down—he is learning and it's all happening one day at a time and one challenge/opportunity at a time.

The following day my husband and son were connected with hugs and apologies and once again--the message did get through.

Encouragement Parenting Tool

In my mom’s article on Encouragement,  she mentioned her "friend." That "friend" is me. She wanted to protect my privacy, but as you will learn throughout this year, I like to keep it real and I have no shame in saying that I am NOT a perfect parent.

It's been 82 days since my son, Greyson, started Kindergarten and I must admit that I've been sucked into the behavior modification color card punishment system. I remember the first day of orientation when they had recommended that if our child does not get a "US Award"  (great behavior all day) that they should be "punished with a consequence at home."  I rolled my eyes and thought "not in our home." We don't believe in punishment--and we definitely don't believe in making them "pay" for their mistakes or for acting like a five year old...so I thought.

I also believed that if I brought both the teacher and the principal a Positive Discipline in the Classroom book that they might change the "system" they've been using for 30+ years. Oops again—there I go with my magical thinking.

Everything changed when Greyson got his first RED CARD (worst you can get). I honestly can't even remember what it was for, but I can remember how I felt when the teacher pulled me aside at pick-up to explain the situation. I felt like I just got a RED CARD in parenting. Silly I know! And if you had told me that first day of school that I would've taken this "system" personally, I would have told you "don't be ridiculous." But somehow, when I was listening, with what felt like my tail between my legs, I couldn't help but to feel that my child's behavior was a reflection of my parenting. I know it's crazy!!! Especially since my mom warned me. She said, "if you're going to send Greyson to a school with this "system" then you can't feed into it. She then reminded me that it's not what they do at school but how we handle it at home.

Greyson has provided me with several opportunities to practice. In the beginning, I did a lot of talking (telling) and had dismissed a lot of the color cards because I thought athey were ridiculous. I volunteer in his classroom twice a month so I see exactly what it takes to get a card change (such as talking to a classmate). Several times other students would have a color card change and I wasn't even sure about what they had done.

That said--I'm embarrassed to say that I haven't stuck with the original plan to not get hooked by this system. I started punishing at home— taking away privileges, not allowing him to go to LegoLand (more painful for me that him), lecturing and threatening. Recently, after feeling completely discouraged with myself and my son, I started asking him curiosity  questions. For example, how do you think your teacher feels when she's trying to teach and you keep interrupting? Or, now that you know it's not okay to play Ninja on the carpet, "where is it that you can play?"

After the long 3-week vacation from school, I thought for sure it would be a challenging week. I was pleasantly surprised when he came running to give me a hug at pick up and was excited to say, "I got a Green Card." He was so happy and proud! He confirmed this when I tucked him into bed that night and he shared that his happiest part of his day was getting his green card. I of course was happy because he was happy, but in the same breath I felt like my son is already being sucked into the system of thinking he is "good" when he gets a green card and that he's "bad" when he gets any color below that...ugh!!

It was only 3-days later that everything started going South. He got a yellow card but his teacher told me that she wanted to give him a RED...yikes! She explained that he was extra wiggly during circle time and that he needed to be reminded several times to listen. I asked him in front of his teacher, "What would help you to listen to your teacher?" I had suggested, "What if you came up with your own code word and a silent signal that would be just between you and your teacher?" They both liked that idea!

I waited until that night when I was tucking him in and asked him the same question again. Greyson came up with the code word "ZIP" and then he showed me the silent signal of him zipping his lips closed. He loved this idea and told me he was excited to tell his teacher the next morning.

The next day at pick-up my fingers were crossed and sure enough it worked!!! His teacher told me that their code word and signal worked well all day...woohoo!!! I was pleased to share with her that when the child comes up with the solution that they will usually follow it. I believe that Greyson felt empowered and therefore encouraged to follow through with their agreement.

The lesson that I have learned in the last 82 days of school is that it definitely feels better to encourage my son and focus on finding solutions and problem solving. It felt completely discouraging to fall into the trap of punishment and consequences. Once again, using the Positive Discipline tool card for encouragement felt good to all of us. Encouraging my son felt kind and respectful for everyone!

I’m sure Greyson won’t keep his mouth zipped. It is developmentally appropriate for Kindergartners to want to “socialize” with their friends. So, we can look forward to many more colored cards and many more opportunities to keep practicing the encouragement of focusing on solutions.