Follow Through

Follow through is a Positive Discipline tool that comes naturally for me for two reasons. The first reason is because my parents—my mom especially led by example. I always knew that if my Mom said it—she meant it! It wasn’t even worth the argument. I believe that as annoyed or frustrated as I was as a kid, I always respected her and knew that what she said she meant. I remember learning this tool at an early age and being able to recite, as she would say it to the many parents in a lecture or in her books,, “If you mean it, say it, and then follow through!”

The second reason I’ve been able to model this tool for my kids is because I heard my mom say, “The tongue in the shoe, is louder than the tongue in the mouth.” In other words, actions speak louder than words.

The most difficult time for me to practice this tool was when my children were around the age of two and it was their daily job to test me. I knew it was important to not make threats I couldn’t keep and more importantly—to follow through on whatever threat I made. I referred this stage as my “mean mommy stage.” My mom simply reminded me that it was my “firm mommy stage.”

It’s often forgotten that Positive Discipline is both Kind and Firm. I am the first one to admit that I am usually too kind until I get completely fed up and flip my lid and then I become this really “firm” mommy. The best part of this “mean mommy stage” was that it didn’t take my kids very long to know, that mommy meant business. And 99% of the time I followed through with what I said I would do.

Here we are over 3-years later and I am still following through. For example this week, my oldest son had a major meltdown at bedtime. It was my fault because I let him stay up later than his bedtime (with no nap) to watch a movie that he had recorded the night before. Well when the movie was finally over, he went ballistic like a crazy man when it was time to brush his teeth and put on pajamas. (He started acting like the character in Shark Boy).  The more out of control he got, the more out of control I felt. I “told” him (first PD mess up) if you can’t calm down and get control of your body, I will delete your movie and you won’t watch any TV in the morning. Sure enough he acted more hysterical and in my flipped lid state I marched downstairs and deleted his movie. Naturally this just made the situation worse, but I was so concerned about following through with my threat I didn’t focus on actually helping him calm down. After I waked away and went into my own time out and calmed down, we were able to reconnect give apologies for our behavior and finally go to bed.

The next morning he came downstairs and gave me another big hug and said how sorry he was for the night before. I too apologized and explained that I was equally tired and was acting out of control. Unfortunately it was too late and his movie had already been deleted. Even though I don’t regret deleting the movie, I regretted how, and when I did it. I also made sure to follow though on the rest of my threat and made sure there was no TV in the morning. I needed to kindly remind him why. He wasn’t happy with that decision, but we were able to turn it around with the fun and active morning we had together. Moral of this story, is don’t make threats you can’t keep. Especially because a lot of the threats we make as parents, usually aren’t convenient for us.

Limit Screen Time

Thank goodness the Limited Screen Time tool card wasn’t two weeks ago during my boys Spring Break. I’m sure there are plenty of parents out there that can say “holy cow—that was a long week.”  Recently I watched one of Oprah’s Next Chapter episodes where she did an interview with a group of Aventist Jewish women.  One of the most interesting parts of the interview was when the women shared that there is no media, or any technology for that matter, in their homes. None of these women had ever seen the Oprah show—that in it-self was for me the most shocking. They went on to say that their children had never watched television before. Once again I was both shocked and fascinated at the same time. At that moment I took it upon myself to challenge my children and me to go without TV for one day.

The next day happened to be on a Tuesday when my oldest son is in school until 3:00 and my 3 ½-year old is home with me all day. My youngest son wasn’t fazed for a moment. He never noticed or cared. He’s always been easily entertained and completely self-sufficient. My oldest son on the other hand noticed five minutes after he walked in the door. His favorite thing to do after being at school all day is watching a show. I totally get it! After I’ve had a long day—especially after school or learning, I too just want to check out/tune out. I also feel more entitled and deserving of the reward of TV. Even though he was feeling angry, resentful, and didn’t understand it, I know he appreciated the quality time we spent together.  It wasn’t until this day that I was reminded how much I depend on the TV to stimulate my children and therefore buy me some time to clean the house, do laundry, or have some computer time. I’m guilty of using the TV as my babysitter. Although I’ve always been mindful and very aware that TV isn’t good for kids, I would find myself justifying that the program they were watching was educational or that it was only for an hour.   That TV-less Tuesday was an instant reminder that no T.V. meant stimulation from me. If I did attempt to leave the room as they played—I found that I was playing referee only minute’s later…ughhh!!! I thought several times to myself that day—at least they’re quiet and not fighting when the TV’s on. Bottom line—TV buys us time, which as parent’s, let’s face it, we all need!

My experience from that Tuesday was that my boys and I had a fun day, but at the end of the day we were all exhausted because of non-stop interaction. Although it forced us to be creative, it also made me grateful that I wasn’t completely opposed to TV. I’ve always believed that most things should be enjoyed with moderation.  I was reminded that “limited screen time” is good for everyone. We spent more active and quality time together. To me "limited" means balanced instead of abstinence. I love having some time to myself while TV entertains the kids. I just have to remember to balance that time with plenty of active together time.

Problem Solving

Mary Nelsen Tamborski

If there's anything I've learned--it's that you/we cannot problem solve during our "flipped lid state”. My family and I have been reminded that when we are in our "reptilian brain" there's no rational thinking taking place. I've been role modeling this for my children by demonstrating that I need to cool off and take my "time out." I need to calm down, which gives them time too. It's after this cooling down time that we are able problem solve, find solutions, brainstorm ideas, and role-play.

Yesterday I received a last minute invitation from a brave neighbor and super-dad to take both my boys for an evening play-date. My first instinct, of course, was to say, "Absolutely yes!” But then I started feeling hesitant about how they might behave. My youngest son’s favorite word is "stupid" (that's a whole other story). Coincidently he seemed to being saying it extra that day.  Also, they seemed to be fighting more than usual; and not listening (obeying) even more than usual that day.

Anyway, instead of denying them (and me) their play-date, I decided to have a mini family meeting and a few role-plays about their behavior and my expectations for them. It was so cute to have my older 5-year-old son take the lead on the role-plays and the several different problem-solving ideas he had for the evening.

For instance, I asked them, "What will you do if your friend doesn't want to share his toy that he's playing with?”  Greyson replies, "If he doesn't want to share, I'll ask him which toys I can play with?” Greyson went on to say, "Or I'll ask him when will it be my turn?”

I then proceeded to ask, “What will happen if Reid says, "Stupid?”  Greyson said, "I'll whisper in his ear and remind him we use the word silly instead."

We then role-played the dinner scenario and practiced our manners. I was beginning to wonder if I had gone a little overboard with all the "talking" and role-playing?

After everything was said and done, my neighbor said they had a great night and were very well behaved. I was proud, relieved, and once again excited to see another Positive Discipline tool working at its best.

This week’s tool card was yet another reminder that our children—even as young as 3-years and 5-years-old—are wonderful problem solvers. For the most part they had better problem solving solutions and strategy's than I would have thought of in a lecture. Note to self—don't underestimate the minds and creativity of our children. They're better at solving their problems than we are. And they'll also follow through when it is their ideas.

Mistakes

Once again, I get to share about how fortunate I was to be raised learning that “Mistakes are Wonderful Opportunities to Learn.”

Throughout my childhood we always celebrated our mistakes. (At the time, I thought that’s what everyone did). My parents taught me that life is about learning lessons and when we make mistakes, we can either learn from them or continue to make the same mistakes until we do finally learn.  I think we can all relate to a painful mistake that we’ve made in our life, which usually ends up being the most valuable opportunity to learn. It wasn’t until I moved out and went to college that I experienced how often people don’t like to admit that they’re wrong, imperfect, or that they made a mistake.

As a mother of two young boys, I have the opportunity to make mistakes sometimes daily. Even though I am a practicing Positive Discipline Mother, I am still a human being that “flips my lid.” Luckily I have kids that are truly forgiving and have no problem accepting me while I continue to learn and grow with me every time I make mistakes.

Every night when I tuck my boys into bed, we end our day with our happiest, saddest, and mistakes. We each share out happiest part of our day, our saddest part of our day, and finally, what mistakes did we make today? Then we go on to say what we learned from them. What an advantage to learn from each other and continue the ongoing message of unconditional love and support.

As a parent, I feel grateful to be able to celebrate being imperfect and role modeling for my children that its okay to be who they are—mistakes and all.

Jobs

There's a difference between "jobs" and chores. In our house "jobs" have become something that the boys have more or less volunteered to do with enthusiasm and then as a result it becomes their job.


A few examples include:

• Greyson helping Reid in and out of his car seat. 
• Cracking the eggs and then stirring the pancake mix. (They take turns)
• Putting the laundry detergent in the washing machine. 
• Washing each other’s hair. 
• Draining the bathtub water while the other puts all bath toys in bucket. 
• Opening the doors, i.e., the car, buildings, garage, and especially any door for ladies. 
• Making sure all lights are turned off.

These jobs are fun for my boys, and it helps them feel capable and to identify different parts of their role in our family.


As I mentioned in my chore blog. I have fond memories of brainstorming creative ideas with my brother with different ways to decide who and what chores we did. I especially appreciated this tool with my first college roommates. Most of them weren't use to participating in chores and it was beginning to create resentment between the ones that did and those who didn't. When we had our family/roommate meeting we agreed to create a chore wheel. This wheel was created with two paper plates. The smaller plate had our names on it and the larger plate had the basic weekly chores. Every week the wheel was rotated. It was fair and an idea that we all agreed on and were excited to participate in. By having these job descriptions it created peace and cooperation as well as satisfaction with our clean house and appreciation for each other.


I recently confronted a friend that was still doing her teenagers laundry. Her defense was that she was a stay-at-home mom and that it was her "job." I quickly responded with, "It's your job to help teach your children how to be capable, self-reliant and independent." I went on to explain that she shouldn't be doing anything for them that they could do for themselves.


Most adults have jobs whether they are paid for them or not. And a lot of us are identified through our jobs--it's what we do and therefore defines a lot of who we are. Don't we all wish that we had a job that we loved and that makes us feel good about ourselves. I've always remembered the saying, "Do what you love and the money will follow." Hopefully with a tool card of "jobs" we can teach our children that their job is to do something they love to do and that makes them feel proud, but that also makes them feel like they’re contributing. After all isn't that what we all want—to have a job that we love and are proud of, but that also makes us feel like we're contributing? Giving and allowing our children to have jobs now will instill in them the pride of accomplishment that will serve them throughout their lives.


She continued to be defensive by saying that "they're good kids and that they're busy with sports and homework."  But the whole reason this conversation was brought up was because she was complaining about how busy she was and how overwhelmed she felt.


I then went on to say that they’d continue to be busy throughout their lives, so why not teach them the skills they need now. I told her how I experienced the helplessness and laziness that goes with kids, like my roommates, who have their parents doing everything for them.

Validate Feelings

The validating feelings tool card provided daily, if not hourly, opportunities for me to practice this skill with my two boys. It wasn't until this week that I made the extra effort to come up with new ways to say, "you're so mad," "you didn't like that," or " I can see how that really hurt your feelings," and finally, "I can see that you're really upset, let me know when you're ready for a hug or to try again."

Another approach that I use to piggy-back on this tool is to validate my child's feelings followed by a story of how I can relate to them because of something that happened to me when I was a little girl. My oldest son, Greyson, loves when I tell him stories about when I was growing up. And when your children feel like you can relate to them, it's another form of validating feelings at a deeper level.

I also realized that when all I do is simply validate my children's feelings—it prevents me from feeling like I need to "fix" or problem solve; rather than simply just letting them have their feelings. I know that I "feel" validated when my friends or husband say, "I can relate to what you're saying and therefore I completely understand how you feel." Even if that doesn’t solve the problem, it helps me feel better to hear them say they can understand.

My mom taught me a valuable lesson when my son was 18-months old and was just starting daycare. It was so difficult and painful for me to leave my son there crying and pleading for me to stay or begging me to take him with me—absolutely heartbreaking! I called my mom from the parking lot crying and feeling like the worst mother ever.

My Mom reassured me that every emotion and feeling that Greyson was having was "normal," and "developmentally appropriate." We had been very careful to find a good child development center at San Diego State University. Mom went on to say that "developing his disappointment muscles" was a very important part of his development and growing up. I instantly felt better. As a Mother, all I want for my kids is for them to be happy and healthy, but it wasn't until she described his disappointment as a strength that I also realized how important it was to have him strong—even if it meant he was temporarily unhappy. I have to say that both my sons have developed more self-confidence and capability because of their time away from me 3 days a week than they might have without this experience.

Once again, I was reminded how much more effective it is to problem solve when my children weren't "feeling" upset. We were able to search for solutions once they had calmed down. As we all already know, or for those of us who are still learning, “Children Do Better When They Feel Better.” Often times, simply validating their feelings, helps them calm down.

Take Time for Training

Isn't it amazing that with almost every task in life we need to be shown what to do? The older we get, the easier an explanation may be; but when it's even a little complex or requires some greater expectation, it's better to see a demonstration or to have a little hand holding (especially in the beginning). Taking time for training may be one of the more important tools, but I often forget that my children are only 3-years and 5-years-old and they need to be taught/trained over and over.

My husband has always disliked it when I remind him that we need to "take time for training." He replies, "Honey, they're not dogs." So I've needed to alter my language by reminding my husband and myself that with almost every task, chore, job, manner, behavior, etc., we need to show, teach, demonstrate, model and of course "train" our children.

My first example for the week was taking the time to train them on how to clean their rooms. So many times, I'll threaten, bribe, make a game out of it, beg, nag and then usually end up cleaning it by myself while I resent them and every toy we've ever given them. I always wish that they could just appreciate a clean room the way I do. I know it's wishful thinking, but have any of you ever noticed that when your kids’ rooms are clean they immediately start to do gymnastics, wrestling, or wanting to have a dance party. The free space always invites them to have movement. And after all, isn't that the best kind of play--especially because there's no clean-up involved.

Early in the week I took the time to go "train" my boys how to clean their rooms. I noticed during this training I was using all kinds of Positive Discipline tools, for example, Asking vs. Telling, Encouragement vs. Praise, Validating Feelings, I Love You And_____, Sense of Humor, just to name a few. In the end, this was the best experience we’ve had cleaning their rooms. I asked them when we were done how it felt to have a clean room as well as reminding them how much I appreciated their help. I also went on to say that I had full faith in them to clean it next time by themselves (I'll be sure to keep my expectations low).

Another example I had this week was taking the time to train them when I'm on the phone. This seems to be one of my most frustrating moments as a Mom. I think I've "trained" my kids with no manners, consideration and respect when it comes to me on the phone because for so many years I wouldn't talk on the phone when they were awake or around. I've never been a phone person anyways so to be on the phone for more than 5 minutes isn't usual. Of course the time came when I had to speak with someone on the phone just recently to set up swim lesssons for them. I knew my kids were being loud and annoying when the lady asked, "would you like to call me back at a better time?" I needed to leave the room to finish our conversation. I immediately realized this was nobody's fault except for my own.

Instead of being upset with them, I was humbled to know that this was my opportunity once again to take time for training about how to be when I'm on the phone. I agreed to be respectful by keeping my conversations short and they agreed to return the respect by staying quiet..."if I kept it short." We then went on to role-play it. The next couple of conversations were quiet and short.

Just as kids need continuous training in academics (reading, writing, math, etc.), I’m sure their training in cleaning and manners will be an ongoing process.