Small Steps

Small steps was the perfect tool card for this week. My almost 5-year-old son started kindergarten and, as much as I don't agree with it, he was given homework. I really struggled with this for the first few days for several reasons. First, isn't 7 hours each day enough time to teach them?

Second, he was napping for almost two hours a day in preschool less than a month ago. (Thank Goodness we live 20 minutes from school so he can fall asleep.)

My biggest frustration is that I miss him all day while he's at school and then I find us battling about homework instead of enjoying family time. Even though I know better, I was bribing, threatening, praising and then wanting to reward him just to trace and color his alphabet letters. Then I remembered this very simple and powerful Positive Discipline tool on Small Steps.

I sat next to him and shared that my writing was really sloppy and that I wanted to relearn my letters to look like his. My sons face lit up. I asked him if I could have my own homework that could be just like his? He loved this idea and was quick to say, "Sure Mom!"

I started practicing my A's while he practiced his. I believe that he felt connected, and encouraged to do his. When he started getting side tracked I asked if he could go over my work? He said, "Sure Mom!" He then started demonstrating and comparing my work to his. It melted my heart when he would quote me with words of encouragement I have used with him in the past such as, “Way to go Mom,” and, “You must be so proud of yourself.”

Another way we practice "small steps" is when brushing his teeth. Sometimes I will use a small step by saying, "You brush the top while I brush the bottom." This works every time because I believe  he's feeling the connection and the encouragement.  Another small step is having him help me pack his lunch. I have him choose which part of his lunch he'd like to pack? He has the choice to  put his fruit and crackers in the bags or to make his sandwich. I love how we are working so much side by side as a team helping one another rather than fighting and going through daily power struggles; which I've experience several times when I'm NOT practicing Positive Discipline.

You may have noticed how so many of the tools are used in combination with other tools. For example, Connection and Encouragement were essential parts of Small Steps.

Small steps turned out to be big steps when I realized how they eliminated all the extra steps involved in power struggles, temper tantrums, disconnect and me feeling like a mean mommy. Taking small steps is so much more rewarding!

I often wonder why I ever parent without using these PD tools I know so well? Then I'm reminded by my mom or myself: "Oh yeah, it's because you're not a perfect parent, and you're a human being." Thank goodness I have PD to teach me the skills to recover from my mistakes, and to constantly remember that "Mistakes are Wonderful Opportunities to Learn!"

One Word

This morning my oldest son, Greyson, almost 7-years-old said to me, "I can't wait until I'm grown up so I can boss my kids around."

I was amused, surprised and hurt at the same time. Amused because he thinks that being older means being the "boss". Surprised because we were having a cuddle moment on the rocking chair and I was sharing with him that I didn't want him to grow up. And I was hurt, because I didn't like that he perceives me that way.

I asked him, "What does being a boss sound like?" He said, "Go clean your room....NOW."

Ugh. I know that's not how I speak to him all the time, but I also knew I was guilty of it many times...sigh!

I asked him, "What if we came up with an agreement where all I said was One Word?"

He said, "I'd like that!"

I encouraged him by saying, "I know that you are aware of all the chores and expectations we have as being a part of this family."

He also said, "But sometimes I do need reminding."

We agreed that One Word would be enough.

Later that morning he left his bowl on the counter, I said, "Greyson, bowl."

He said, "Mom that was two words."

I smiled and gave him a big hug. I laughed and said, "Okay, maybe it will be two words if your name is going to count."

This tool continued to work throughout the day with One Word reminders such as, hands, teeth, shoes, and hug.

What would I do without these Positive Discipline Tool Cards.

Eye to Eye

Tonight I experienced why it is so important to get Eye to Eye with my child when trying to communicate.

The boys and I (6 ½-year-old Greyson and 4 ½-year-old Reid) were enjoying our Friday evening with a Red Box movie. We were having our typical movie treats (popcorn and ice cream).

While we were all lying on the couch, Reid decided to help himself to some orange juice. On one hand, I was happy to have my 4-year-old son helping himself to a drink when he was thirsty. On the other hand, I was annoyed that he had poured himself a full cup of juice right before bed.

I turned my head to acknowledge him and what he had poured and gave him a little lecture about how he should have chose water since it was right before bed and how I didn’t want him to pee his bed and have all that sugar etc.

Naturally, I expected him to think—“You’re absolutely right Mom!” Yeah right. He just continued to pound it until it was almost gone when I firmly said, “Reid, stop drinking that juice!” He obviously did not like how I was speaking to him—who would?

To my surprise, he got right in my face and shouted at me, “OK MOM!”

I was so upset, and I felt so disrespected! I told him he was done watching the movie and that he needed to go upstairs and go to bed.

By his response and my immediate realization, we both apologized and said we wanted to try again. What I learned from this moment was that if I had actually gotten up off the couch, and looked at Reid Eye to Eye while explaining all my concerns about his drink of choice; he would have heard me. If I had used a respectful and calm tone, he would have felt respected.

Of course, I realized all this after I messed up. Reid melted and crushed my heart at the same time when he told me, “I just don’t like it when you yell at me.”

Once again, mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn!

Closet Listening

I found Closet Listening be one of the easiest and yet most difficult tools to use. Easy, because all you really need to do is sit with your child and not say anything. I found this difficult, because it’s not my personality to just sit and not initiate the conversation. In fact, even with my own children, I feel uncomfortable with silence. When I sat with them quietly—it felt almost like I was ignoring them. Greyson 6-years old even asked me, “What’s wrong?” I responded by saying, “I just want to sit by you and be with you.” That was even strange for him.

We ended up putting a puzzle together. I made a conscious effort to not initiate any conversation and just waited to see what would come up. This is when I discovered how difficult it is to listen without judging, defending, or explaining.

He asked me if we could go to the store to buy some more toys. He went on, and on about how he didn’t have enough toys, and we definitely needed to buy at least a new puzzle.

Rather than feeling annoyed and irritated that our conversation, yet again, was about what he wanted or wanted to buy, I just nodded my head and made a few loving gestures like rubbing his hair and giving him a wink. To my surprise, by not engaging, I stopped feeling irritated and annoyed. Of course, it’s not like him to give up that easily. I simply redirected him with our puzzle. When he still didn’t drop it—I told him that he should continue to save his allowance and we’ll go in the future.

The easiest and most meaningful conversations happened through closet listening when we were driving. I picked Greyson up from school, turned off the radio. Instead of saying, “How was your day?” I said, “I missed you today” and then waited to see where the conversation went from there. It was definitely a challenge to give advice or my opinion about all the different things that happened. For example, Greyson shared that his friends let him play kickball and four square, but never gave him a turn. As a parent—you can only imagine what it was like to NOT give my opinion or theory about what I thought happened.  Instead, I incorporated other tool cards of validating his feelings followed by curiosity questions. I then reminded him that I had faith in him to work it out with his friends.

I believe that a common mistake that parents make (like me) is giving too much advice, or trying to protect their children from pain and suffering—all in the name of love. What I’m trying to practice is just being there for my boys. I want to show them unconditional love and support by listening; followed by true faith that they will survive, thrive, learn and grown strong from ALL of their life experiences; and that it’s NOT my job to protect them from feeling sad or disappointed.

Decide What You Will Do

Decide what you will do and—follow through! The most important part of this tool is the follow through. Children know when you mean it and when you don’t.

After all, isn’t that their job is to test you and their limits? Of course it is! This is why it is so important to only make promises (not threats) that you’re willing to keep.

I think we’ve all learned the hard way at least once. For example, you are so mad in the moment—in the flipped lid state—and you’re feeling desperate and totally defeated. Therefore, in the heat of the moment you make a threat you’re never going to follow through on and your child continues to do what they’re doing—probably because they know you’re not going to follow through.  Listed are some of my personal favorites:

• Turn the TV off NOW or you won’t watch it for an entire week.
• You and your brother better stop fighting in this car, or I’m going to turn around and we’ll go home.
• If you don’t start sharing, and being kind to your fiends—then we’re going to leave our play-date.
• If you don’t brush your teeth right now—then you can forget about any sweets ever again.
• If you don’t change your attitude—then you can forget about going to the_________!
• If you can’t take better care of your bike, baseball glove, toys etc., then I’ll take them away from you and you won’t be able to use them.
• If you don’t stop asking me for everything in the store and start behaving—then we’re leaving this.

Of course my oldest son had to test me—and I was just as sad as he was when I needed to follow through. We had “taken time for training” (another tool card) and I had explained to him that we were going to our friends house for a play-date and I went over the rules, e.g., no hitting, sharing, taking turns, using nice words etc. I then went on to explain that if we didn’t follow these rules, we would need to leave. Naturally, it was with one of my good friends and I wanted to be at the play-date as much as my son. Needless to say they also lived 45-minutes away.

Sure enough, less than an hour after being there—he hit his friend and called him a name. (I want to note that the play-date before this one, I had done plenty of redirecting, connecting before correcting, validating feelings as well as the many other tools my son was accustomed to.)

Sometimes, using the kind and firm tool of follow through is the most effective. I wasn’t trying to make him “pay” for his behavior but was simply tired of having each play-date so consumed with using so many other tools. Deep down I knew it would be a painful lesson for both of us as well as a lot of gas and time wasted. (He cried himself to sleep on the way home.)

It wasn’t a total waste, because he never forgot it, knew that I meant it, and honestly, I feel like I forever earned his trust of knowing that when I said it, I meant it, and I followed through.

Unfortunately, your children are going to test you— and believe me it will be at the most inconvenient time. But just think of the valuable lesson you’ll be teaching and the reputation you’ll be earning.  I’m sure I’m not the only one who has heard THAT Mother saying, “I’m not going to tell you again”, and then says, “This is the last time I’m going to tell you.” Then their kid just continues to ignore her and do whatever it is they were doing.
 

I’ll always remember my mom saying, “The tongue in the shoe speaks louder than the tongue in the mouth.” In other words, if you say it, mean it, and if you mean it, follow through.

I promise you that it will only take a few times of inconvenience usually accompanied by total humiliation and embarrassment (as their screaming at you telling you that you’re the worst Mother ever and that they hate you). In the end, it ‘s totally worth it!!!!

Distract & Redirect

In the beginning of this week I thought this tool was used mostly with younger children. I used distract and redirect on a daily basis when my boys were toddlers. However, this week I had several opportunities to practice this tool in many different ways with my almost 6-year-old.

Sense-of Humor—Greyson was in a “flipped lid state of mind” and was saying things such as “I hate you,”  “Worst day ever!” or my favorite—“You wish I wasn’t even in this family.” Instead of flipping my lid back or telling him that what he was saying was totally ridiculous and untrue, I distracted him with a little unexpected silliness—tickling him while saying, “You think I don’t love you?” Then would completely overwhelm him with, “I love you’s,” and more playful tickles and kisses. Once he was totally distracted and calm, I was able to use other tools such as validating his feelings and asking some curiosity questions. After this (connection before correction)  we came up with a plan (focus on solutions and take time for training) on what we could say or do next time he was feeling so angry.

Relating—Kids love it when they know you can relate—another way distracting and redirecting. Another one of my favorite comments from Greyson is when he says in his whinny voice, “That’s not fair!” What I want to say in my irrational and annoyed flipped list state is ‘That’s right—it’s not fair and neither is life!” But instead—I would relate to him by sharing a story of when I was his age and experienced something similar that wasn’t fair. Kids love knowing you have felt the same. It’s endearing when they say things such as, “You were once five?” or, “Your brother used to get things or do things you couldn’t do?”

Distraction—If all else fails; you can completely distract your kids by both completely changing the subject and making it about you or something that you did or saw that day. Or by saying with total enthusiasm—“I have a great idea!” Then come up with a completely new idea or game and hope they follow your lead with enthusiasm.  Once again, when everyone is calm and you can then follow up with problem solving and solutions on how we could avoid a major meltdown, saying hurtful things, fighting with brother, etc.

Hugs—Always one of my favorite tools and defiantly one that can be use with almost every Positive Discipline tool. Always a great distraction and way to redirect is to ask your child if he or she would like a hug? If they say “No!” then ask if they’d give you one, because “I need a hug.”

Focus on Solutions—When your children are in the middle of a conflict—simply interrupt by saying, “ I have faith in you to come up with a solution. If they can’t, it is a big distraction to say, “I’ll take this _______ until you all come up with a solution that everyone agrees on.”

Again, a simple reminder that no one tool works every time and that when we are creative we will find many ways to use each tool—and to combine them. Have fun practicing this tool and notice how much a little distraction or redirection helps you as a parent.

Winning Cooperation

Before my husband Mark and I got married we came up with the 3 C’s to a successful marriage. Communication, Compromise, and Compassion. Since becoming parents we’ve agreed that there was a ‘C’ that we were missing—Cooperation. We believe that anytime something is going wrong in our relationship, or with one of our children— one of the 4-C’s is missing.

The Winning Cooperation tool card teaches that children feel encouraged when we as parents understand and respect their point of view. For example, this week I tried winning their cooperation with some of the household chores, while also using some of the other C’s.

My boys love to play baseball! They want to play everyday. I am constantly feeling overwhelmed with laundry, dishes, and picking up the house. Instead of feeling resentful, which then usually turns into anger—I waited for my golden opportunity, knowing they would ask to play baseball. When they asked, I said I would love to as soon as I finish doing my chores around the house. I had already schemed the plan to say, “Why don’t you help me and then we can play?” But instead, my oldest son 6-year-old Greyson said, “We can help you unload the dishwasher and we’ll put away our laundry.” I felt within those few sentences that we had just met all 4 ‘C’s. And everyone was happy.

Before thinking of a way to win their cooperation, I would provide them with a big, long lecture, followed with a guilt trip. Still, they would persuade me to play baseball, and I would feel exhausted and resentful.  In this case, I was able to acknowledge them for being helpful, compassionate, good problem solvers, and patient. It was so much more fun to have them help with the chores and more rewarding for all of us to play baseball after.

Another example of winning cooperation was this week when my boys were feeling mad because they couldn’t have soda. I don’t drink soda myself, because I know how bad it is for me. I wish it wasn’t, because I love it! When Greyson started saying “It’s not fair that you don’t let us have soda. _________ always gets soda.” Why can’t we have it?” Instead of lecturing him and feel annoyed for asking yet again—I expressed understanding (compassion) showed him empathy by sharing how I never had soda when I was a kid, and how I always wanted it too. Then we made a fun game out of it by saying back and forth all the things we wished we’re good for us but that are not.  He would say, “I wish I could have candy for dinner.” I backed him up by saying, “I wish I could have ice-cream for dinner.” He said, “I wish sugar was good for you.” I followed by saying, “I wish that chewing gum and hard candy was good for my teeth” etc.  It was much more fun for both of us to be joking, laughing, and making a game out of it, instead of a lecture, guilt trip, and annoyance.  Winning cooperation is, once again, Win Win for everyone.