I had an “ah ha” moment this week when practicing the Don’t Back
Talk Tool Card. It happened early
in the week when, once again, we were rushed to get out the door. I had snapped
at my son for doing something that he could’ve waited and done in the car. (He
was putting his new Spy Gear together, glasses, watch, and belt). And when I
took a disrespectful tone with him—he
immediately snapped back at me with the same tone.
The only difference this week was that I was able to
recognize it right away. I got down to his level and said, “You just raised
your voice at me and spoke disrespectfully because I just raised my voice with
you and was disrespectful to you. I’m sorry for not valuing that what you were
doing was important to you. I was expecting you to value my sense of urgency for
getting out the door on time.
Of course, very logically he agreed. (Children listen to you after they feel
listened to.) I apologized and told him that I was sorry for speaking to him in
that tone and that I understood that he was mirroring my tone and me. (Children
learn what they live.)
I believe that this is the most important concept to
remember as a parent. I apologize if I sound redundant—Your days are not about how your children act or
behave but how you as a parent act or behave.
Modeling/example is so important. Children mirror what we
do. We cannot expect for our children to control their behavior when we don’t control
our own. In other words if you want to know why your children are speaking to
you disrespectfully or back talking—then
rewind or replay how you just spoke to them. Of course, they could be having a
bad day on their own. In that case, it doesn’t help if we snap back.
For the rest of
the week I was extra mindful of my tone and getting down to the level of both
my boys when I spoke to them. I was then rewarded with a peaceful and
respectful week with them. Win win for all of us.
Honestly, keeping a respectful tone was by far more
effective then “telling” or by being too “firm” and not practicing “kind and firm”
at the same time. Bottom line—the
message I was reminded of all week was that you get what you give. It all goes
back to one of the Universal messages we learned as children—treat others the way you want to be
treated. Classic and true!
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